Thanksgiving

every Thanksgiving, one of the staff, Cam, has the STINTers and sometimes a few of the staff over to his house for Thanksgiving dinner with his family. last year it was a grand affair with tons of home-cooked food and family time, and a chance for us to hang out with Cam's family and the staff in a real house with real chairs and a couch...(couches are a big deal here...definitely wish we had one). it was awesome and chill, and a great memory. this year they waited to have their Thanksgiving celebration until Saturday, November 26th, just in case the rest of my STINT team arrived in time. they didn't, and it was a huge blow to all of our hearts to finally give up and accept the reality that the rest of the STINTers would not be joining us this year, but they kept the date for Saturday.

so, because i had no Thursday Thanksgiving plans, i decided to attempt to make Thanksgiving dinner for some of my student friends who maybe never experienced Thanksgiving. i spent all day Wednesday searching for turkey, cranberry sauce and other Thanksgiving staples not native to Japan, and Wednesday night made 2 pumpkin pies and mashed potatoes. Thursday i made the rest- cranberry sauce, creamed corn, glazed carrots, rolls, gravy, and of course the turkey. it was my first time to ever make a turkey, and my wonderful mother (through Skype) talked me through the process (cleaning turkeys is gross, for the record...) and also helped me with the other recipes. i also prepared apples and a cheese/cracker plate for my guests to munch while heating up everything. i actually had no idea how many students would come until right before dinner, but i was praying for 10 and that's how many we had! such a blessing! they were mostly from random encounters on campus so most of them did not know each other (actually 2 girls brought friends so i got to meet 2 new girls as well!), but they all got along so well and had a really great time! i didn't burn down the apartment (or even burn the turkey!) even though i had to use my microwave oven (it has an oven setting but it's rather temperamental), we watched Charlie Brown's Thanksgiving, laughed a lot, ate a lot, it was awesome. and the best part- later that night i received a text from my friend Rebekka who had brought a friend Yuting- on her way home she was able to share her testimony with Yuting agreed to go to church with her! so awesome! it was a ton of work to cook for 10 people but so worth it!

Friday i had a much needed break from all things ministry/Cru. my friend brandon from USC lives in Aichi (a couple hours away) and was in Tokyo for Thanksgiving, so we spent all of Friday hanging out in Tokyo. we wandered around Harajuku and Shibuya, ate lunch at Wolfgang Puck (which he paid for-so sweet) spend the afternoon hanging out in Starbucks, then he cooked dinner for me (steak, veggies and oyakudon) and we watched a Ghibli movie (i highly recommend The Borrower Arietty- super cute). it was just what i needed- a chill, relaxing day with a friend who had no connection to ministry.

Saturday was Thanksgiving with Cam's family- since the other STINTers couldn't come, they invited a lot of the JCCC staff and some other friends. it was awesome hanging out with everyone, relaxing and eating great food. i was supposed to go to Odori Samurai practice that night but decided to skip it and fellowship, which is what i needed most- my balance of ministry responsibilities to fellowship was severely off, so it was good to just spend time with Christians who could pour into me. here are some pictures of both Thanksgivings: enjoy!

Thanksgiving decorations:
pumpkin patch:



Thanksgiving at our apartment! so thankful for these girls and that the turkey didn't burn! the remains of the turkey...for the record, carving a turkey is really hard!
Dinner at the Caughlan's - a bit bigger spread than mine...but they had twice as many people
with Cam's family! love them so much!

i hope you all had an amazing Thanksgiving holiday and God reminds you every day of His amazing blessings! i'm so thankful for you!

Breaking Point

well it finally happened. after 2 months of attempting to do solo campus ministry, 2 months of no direction and very little contact from any of my directors or staff from PSW, Japan Campus Crusade for Christ (JCCC) or even my team leaders, i broke down.

i think the for the past two months i've just been dealing with being alone, i've been holding on to the idea of "maybe tomorrow, maybe tomorrow, maybe tomorrow" - in fact, i think everyone's been thinking that. my team, my leaders, all of us have just been waiting and hoping that my team would receive their CoEs in a day or two and then they'd be on a plane here. but it kept not happening. every day i was thinking "ok if we receive their CoEs today then they can get them this day and get their visas this day and fly out this day" and every day, it didn't happen. and it got draining. fridays became my most dreaded day, because it was the end of another week that my team's paperwork still had not arrived. i realized that while maybe my leaders had not been giving me direction because they thought since i was a 2nd year STINTer i'd be ok on my own, i really wasn't ok. i was not only alone, but i was starting to become lonely. my roommate Christina has been a huge blessing, but she is on Staff and therefore currently doing Japanese language school, so her focus and responsibilities are completely different. every day she is in language school, and in the evenings she is either spending time with her classmates or studying. the JCCC staff have their own campuses and focuses, and therefore i do not do campus ministry with them. i asked Cam, the staff who is kind of in charge of the STINTers, to let the staff know that i'd be interested in working with them since i'm the only STINTer, but no one really got back to me. so i've just been going to Waseda University by myself every day, with one day week working at ICU High School with 1 or 2 of the staff. and meeting with students solo for 2 months, and also being a member of 3 different clubs and pretty much having every night filled with club activities, you get pretty drained. i've been trying to plan things but i can't because i never know when the team's coming, so i have to always make last minute plans with students, which is a bit stressful. i also realized i'd been subconsciously overcompensating for the fact that i'm the only STINTer and i've been trying to do more and work harder to overcompensate for my team- not good or healthy. and i realized that basically everything i do is ministry- even church is ministry because there are non-christian students who come, so i have no place or people to just hang out and relax and take a break from ministry.

all of that, on top of feeling, to be honest, pretty abandoned by all of Cru, was just too much to handle. as i was writing an email to 2 of my directors in the States expressing my need for some sort of direction or contact, i just broke down sobbing for almost an hour. i finally composed myself enough to finish the email, but as i was talking to a friend from USC, i lost it again and cried to him for almost another hour. i felt pretty bad because the reason i'd called him was to ask about his birthday and i just broke down crying to him...after that i emailed my team and stressed the need for all of us to be in constant communication with each other- even if we're separated by distance, we're still a team, and they're still on STINT even if they're not in Japan. the next day we were able to have a team skype, which was helpful, but hopefully we'll be able to talk much more frequently, not just for me, but for all of us to have that fellowship and community of our team.

please continue to pray for my team, not only for their CoEs to come quickly, but that they would have discipline in the States, that God would show them His plans, and that we'd be able to have many times to talk with each other despite all the time differences.

Your Love Never Fails...

yesterday i went to an all-day sports festival with about 150 students, mostly from Waseda University but also a few random ones as well. i was invited by my friend Yuki, who's club WHabitat (Waseda Habitat for Humanity) had parterned with 2 other clubs to put on the sports festival. i had hoped my team would be in Japan by then because it would have been a fantastic place for them to connect with students. but there's still no word on their Certificates of Eligibility, nor why it's taking so long...anyway. since my team couldn't go, i invited some of the people i know working for YWAM (Youth With A Mission) in Tokyo. one of the guys, ryan, replied and said he wanted to join. i couldn't have been more encouraged and thankful. at least, that's what i thought. God knew exactly what i needed yesterday. had a great time at the festival and met a ton of new students, but the best part of the day was after the festival. because ryan and i actually hadn't even seen each other since like february, we decided to go to Starbucks and catch up. during that time, God just totally spoke through him and pretty much said everything i needed to hear. for the past two months i've just been dealing with the fact that my team isn't here and i've had to do ministry by myself. i've done my best not to complain or whine too much, but i think maybe in downplaying it i've tricked myself into thinking i'm ok, because it's the only way i've been able to get through it. but God, speaking through ryan, told me it's ok to recognize that it's not ok. man, seriously, he said everything i needed to hear. that i've been faithful. that i've done the best that i can. that yes, maybe i've made a few mistakes, but God's bigger than them and He still used them for His glory. that He loves me and is with me. but also, ryan acknowledged that my being alone is not ok. he apologized on behalf of YWAM for not recognizing my need for fellowship, community and ministry partners earlier and helping me. he affirmed me in what i'd been doing and rebuked the idea that i'd not been doing enough. i wish i could explain everything. even little things like him buying me a water bottle, giving me a hug and telling me i'm pretty- those little things meant the world to me at that time. after Starbucks he invited me over to the YWAM house where most of the YWAM people were hanging out, just so i could experience some fellowship. i wish i could describe the feeling. sitting on a couch surrounded by people my age...it's the first time in 2 months that i've been around more than 2 people and it hasn't been ministry related. it was amazing.

on the way home i listened to Your Love Never Fails by Jesus Culture ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IoezWBPGRAc):

Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails
I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails

You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning
And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails
The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails...

the bridge repeats "You make all things work together for my good" over and over. that song was pretty much my STINT anthem last year, and it seems that this year it's even more applicable. i listened to the song on repeat all the way home, because each time the words struck me again and again how true they were. God reminded me that "i'm not alone in these open seas" and that He makes "all things work together for my good."

then this morning at church we sang the songs "Still I Will Praise You," "Great is Thy Faithfulness" and "Lord, I Give You My Heart." such perfect songs for my heart right now. reminders that i can still praise God even during difficult times, that His faithfulness is always great and He always provides. as the song goes, "morning by morning new mercies I see/ all i have needed Thy hand hath provided, great is They faithfulness Lord unto thee."

today's sermon was about what it means to follow Christ, and focused on taking up your cross daily and following Jesus. once again, such a perfectly timed reminder for me. God is so gracious with His reminders.

in other news, the USC Trojans beat Oregon today. IN Oregon. after a ridiculously long streak of never winning a game in Oregon, it seems as if USC football is back! this really doesn't have much to do with this blogpost other than it was a really wonderful way to begin my Sunday. so yeah this whole weekend has pretty much been a huge blessing from God. His love never fails.

EMERGENCY PRAYER FOR CoEs!

It has been almost two months since I first arrived in Japan, and we still have no news about the rest of my team's paperwork needed to receive their Japan visas. In order to get their visas, they must submit paperwork to the Japanese government. It is processed and they are sent a Certificate of Eligibility (CoEs), which they then take to the Japanese consulate and receive their visa. This paperwork is essential for their visas, and usually takes no more than 3-4 weeks to be processed in Japan; however, due to the aftermath of the earthquake, new codes and new immigration laws (the Japanese government won't really explain more than this), this process is taking a much longer time than usual. They submitted their paperwork in August, so they should have been able to arrive in September. But it's the middle of November, and still nothing. That being said, we just received news that the Certificates of Eligibility for the Korea Campus Crusade STINTers were just denied. My team filled out their paperwork at the same time and in the same way, so there is a definite possibility that their paperwork could also be denied.

That does not mean they cannot come to Japan, but it would delay their arrival even more. We will hopefully find out by Tuesday about their CoEs. PLEASE take a little time to pray today that God would grant them their CoEs and visas this week, and that they would be able to come to Japan as soon as possible! Also please pray for all of us to grow in our faith and trust in God during this time, and we would not become discouraged. Also please pray that the Korea CCC STINTers would be able to arrive soon as well!

Thank you for all of you who have been riding this crazy roller coaster with me- your faith and prayers mean more to me and my team than I could ever express. While I definitely feel alone here in Japan without my team, I know that I have a powerful team of prayer warriors all over the world, lifting me up and supporting me, so thank you so so much!

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'" - Jeremiah 29:11

"Give Thanks in All Circumstances..."

so two weeks ago/last week, i did not have the best outlook on things.

i was annoyed and frustrated with God. i kept thinking, "come ON, God! it's the end of October! how is my team STILL not here? how do we STILL have no word about their CoEs? how? WHY???" i was feeling sorry for myself and my team. i was definitely focusing on my team and myself, not God.

then on November 1st, i helped out with ICU High School ministry. at ICU High School, we have a lunch gathering called Let's Talk once a week where we have snacks with students and talk about a certain topic that relates to their lives as well as God. this whole month we're focusing on Thanksgiving, and giving thanks for certain things in our lives. we talked about 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." ........man, was i convicted. here was a lesson that i was supposed to be teaching to high school students, and yet i had not been doing it at all. and why not? because i had been so focused on what i DIDN'T have, instead of what i did. because i had been more focused on what i wanted, what i thought was right. i was indignant that i didn't understand my circumstances, and of course since i didn't understand them, i thought they were not right. so not true! an ant doesn't understand a human because an ant's perception of a human is the centimeter he sees of our feet. so it is with our perspective of God and His plans. we can't understand them. they are too big. He is too big. it's a choice to trust even when we don't understand. that's why it's called faith. God has blessed me in so many amazing ways since i've been in Japan, and yet i have not been thanking him, i've just been complaining that my team isn't here with me.

for two days, i listened to the song Blessed Be Your Name on repeat. as i biked home, i looked up at the clear night sky and thanked God that even though i'm 1/2 way around the world, the stars are the same as home, that wherever i am in the world, i am home, because God is with me. i have been trying to look at the good in my life, and remember all the blessings God gives me even though i totally don't deserve it. yes i totally still miss my team, but i am going to choose to trust God in this.

God has also been blessing me like crazy through my yosakoi team, Odori Samurai. we've been having a ton of practices to get ready for Waseda University's huge festival, Waseda-sai, but it's been such a blessing to grow relationships with the Samurai and God's been allowing me to meet new people every practice who speak at least a bit of English! sometimes it's easy to feel insecure with the Samurai, mostly b/c of the language barrier, but even little things like one girl telling me that all the Samurai think i'm so kind, or people trying to speak English for me even though they are not confident, make me feel so good and blessed. i was talking to one girl about not doing a performance because i felt like other Samurai should do it instead, and she said "what are you talking about? you are Samurai. you're a part of us." .....man even just that simple statement was so encouraging.

this month of November, i'm going to give thanks to God in all circumstances, i am going to trust Him even when i don't understand, and rely not on myself, but on Him and His goodness.

but please keep praying for my team and that they will get here in the next couple weeks!!!!

GRACE

i feel like i haven't been productive this week at all. yes it's only Tuesday afternoon. and yes i am STILL without a team and trying to just rebuild my ministry from last year by myself. but i hate feeling unproductive, and as i read newsletter after newsletter of other STINT friends and i see all the ministry things they are doing in their other countries, i start to judge myself. i start to think, "what am i doing?" and i start feeling guilty and lazy and soon enough Satan's amplified that into lies that i'm not a "good enough missionary" and i'm disappointing God. of course that's not true. it is by GRACE we have been saved (ephesians 2:8), not by works. God doesn't love me less because i watched the Rangers World Series game instead of watching an online sermon. (besides- God's a Rangers fan, right?) so why are we always beating ourselves up? i had an epiphany the other day and realized i try so hard to meet the end result, i focus so much on the the product, but then i'm just thinking of myself, of making myself better, not the relationship with God that leads to that end result. when i just think about my sanctification or improvement, i'm just thinking about myself and not just loving God. and if we just think about the end result, it's just about us, and we'll never truly understand God's love or our relationship with Him.

we talked about the prodigal son at church on Sunday. my pastor pointed out that the son had so many apologies prepared for his father, but his father wouldn't even let him say anything, because it didn't matter anymore. what mattered was that he came back. he came home. his father overwhelmed him with his love and wouldn't even let him apologize for his actions, but immediately called for celebration. and that's what God does for us. He doesn't need our apologies. His grace overwhelms everything we've done and everything we will do in the future.

this is a song we sang and reminded me what my relationship with God really is, entitled You Are My Father:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LplB6L3q3rY

the first verse says:
"It doesn't matter what i've done
Your love's for me
You wipe away my tears, You lift me when i fall
My life is saved by the mercy of Your grace..."

it's so true. and yet so easy to forget in this world of individualism and working hard and pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and proving to people that you are worthy. ESPECIALLY in Japan. if you think it's bad in America, Japan is 10x worse. your identity is COMPLETELY based on your works. and if you fail at all, you've dishonored your family. that's why there are over 100 suicides every day in Japan, why there is one suicide every 15 minutes in this broken country. because they are working so hard to achieve impossible goals and if they fail, they feel that their lives are worthless. because of the grace of God, we are NOT failures. we are new creations even on our worst day! even when we've done nothing to deserve it. on Saturday i went to homeless church and gave Tanaka-san (a little old lady who's been homeless over 30 years) a little present from America- some almond hand lotion b/c her hands are always so dry, some chocolate, a little silver "Cross in my Pocket", a card that said "God loves you"...nothing too fancy. but she almost refused to take it, exclaiming, "But i have done nothing to deserve this!" i wanted to yell in exasperation, "that's why it's a PRESENT!" then she forced me to take some chocolate and nori (dried seaweed). she never allows me to give her anything unless i take something in return. it's such a Japanese culture thing to not accept anything for free, to not accept a present unless you can give one in return. it's so aggravating and exasperating. but it hit me- how many times do i do that to God? i beat myself up because i feel unworthy of His love and i try to earn it by doing good things. it's like me telling God his grace isn't good enough to cover my sins and i still have to prove myself.

"All that trying to prove you are enough has already been proven." - John Lynch

this is a video i've posted before, but i watched it again today and, like every time i watch it, it made me cry. if you've got 30 minutes to spare, watch it. it changes your whole perspective of what grace and freedom is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7azfoonNqpc

may the Lord bless you and overwhelm you with His grace and freedom every day!

PS CoE update: still no CoEs. please please pray God provides them this week so my team can finally get here! but good news- my roommate Christina finally got her cast off her arm, so she's got two arms again! praise God for healing! and selfishly, i'm excited that i no longer have to do all the cleaning and laundry etc. by myself...

3 Weeks Later...

3 weeks ago i left America to begin my 2nd year of STINT. unfortunately, the rest of my STINT team did not leave with me, and thus i began my adventure alone. i thought...well i guess i didn't know what i thought, but i definitely did not think that 3 weeks later i would still be without a STINT team.

and yet that is the case. 3 weeks later, and no word about my team's Certificates of Eligibility needed to get their visas. i'm in Japan for my STINT year, but it doesn't feel like my STINT year has really begun yet because my team isn't with me. it's lonely, to be honest. and it's so different than how i expected my 2nd year to begin. of course, there are very few times in my life when things go exactly the way i think they will. God always reminds me that His plans are better than mine. and yet, during times such as this, it's so hard to understand His plans. i never realized how difficult STINT would be without a team. yes, i have a wonderful roommate (such a blessing that she is here with me) but she's joining JCCC Staff- she's got her own priorities, mainly language school right now. she doesn't go to campus with me. when i go to campus, i'm alone. it's not fun. i've pretty much just been reconnecting w/ students from last year, going to Paddy meetings and Samurai practices, but still, going to campus by yourself all the time is not easy.

i know i sound kind of whiney...i'm so blessed that i actually get to be in Japan. i know the rest of my team is way more frustrated than i am. at least i'm here. i'm able to do ministry in Tokyo. i should be thankful. and i am. i just wish the other members of my team were here as well.

this past week i've been really homesick, which i think may partially be because i'm by myself here. last year i really didn't get homesick until Christmas. but i've been so much more homesick this year. i'm not really a fan. i was sick all last week too so that really didn't help- being sick in a foreign country always makes you appreciate home a lot more.

but in all this i'm reminded that we cannot store up treasures here anyway, that this earth is not our true home, and that wherever i am, God is with me. there's an Owl City song that has been some comfort here. i imagine God singing it to me, and He says:

"Circle me and the needle
Moves gracefully back and forth
If my heart was a compass, you'd be north
Risk it all 'cause I'll catch you if you fall
Wherever you go
If my heart was a house, you'd be home..."

here's the song if you're interested in listening: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXvtuDxEN5M

please please keep praying my team's CoEs will arrive this week and they'll be able to get their visas with miraculous speed and they can get to Tokyo by next week!