Sunday, December 29, 2013

Looking Back...2013 in Review

I feel like my life as a Cru Staff has a different timeline than most...since I'm still on a college schedule, my brain thinks of years not as January 1- December 31st, but as August 1 - July 31st.

2013 was a strange year, in that January through July I was home in Texas raising support to join staff with Cru, then I moved to Hawaii in August and survived my first semester as a Cru staff, then came home for Christmas December 17th until present. So my year was really divided into two halves - preparing for Hawaii and then my first semester in Hawaii, but with one overarching theme: trusting the Lord. Trusting the Lord when things seem impossible. Trusting the Lord when situations make no sense. Trusting the Lord when I have to raise $5,800 in monthly support. Trusting the Lord when I feel like giving up, when I'm angry and frustrated and sick of it all. Trusting the Lord when I don't know what I'm doing. Trusting the Lord when I feel inadequate, when I feel ill-equipped, when I feel broken. Trusting the Lord through Jennie's death. Trusting the Lord with ministry. Trusting the Lord with my future. Trusting the Lord in my relationships. And ultimately, trusting that the Lord is who He says He is- that He is a loving, patient, faithful, powerful, all-knowing God worthy of my trust, a God who never changes and never stops loving me no matter what I do or don't do. No matter how many times I feel like a failure, no matter how many times I ignore Him or break my promises to Him, He never ever breaks his promises to me- that when I am tired and weary, my strength will be renewed through Him and He will lift me up on wings like eagles (Isaiah 40:30-31), that He will never leave me or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:8), that He has plans to prosper me (Jeremiah 29:11) and that His grace is sufficient for me and His power is made perfect in my weaknesses (2 Corinthians 12:9).

2013 was a year of transition, which is never comfortable for anyone. I transitioned from living overseas in Japan to back in my childhood home and community. I transitioned to becoming an "adult" at 25, and learning not only how to act like an adult, but how to get others to see me as an adult (which is difficult in your hometown and home church, not to mention when you're under 5 ft tall). I transitioned out of college ministry into volunteering with middle school ministry, then back to college ministry. I transitioned from STINTing with Cru to joining full-time staff. And I transitioned from home to an entirely new culture living in Honolulu, Oahu, Hawaii. But in all of it, God was there, going before me, holding out His hand and saying, "Trust me. Come with me. We'll do this together."

I always have at least a couple theme songs for any particular year. This year I had four:
1. God is Able by Hillsong (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2exW2cUdC4)
2. Everlasting God (We Set Our Hope) by New Hope Oahu (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfvKVNJP5kU)
3. Oceans by Hillsong (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLqTZ07ja7g)
4. Broken Hallelujah by The Afters (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fo3DudOzV4k).

They were reminders that no matter what situation, God is bigger and His plans are bigger, that when my feet fail, my soul can rest in His embrace, and that I can trust Him in every circumstance.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 were my theme verses for the year.
“He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

My entire life I've prided myself on being strong- physically and emotionally. As a gymnast coached by remnants of the USSR, I learned by the age of 5 that if I cried, I would be kicked out of the gym. I learned to never cry if I was in pain. I learned that to show pain was a sign of weakness, and that weakness had no place in gymnastics (aka life). I was taught that physical and emotional strength was good. Which it can be. But I found my identity in that strength. These past few years, God has slowly been breaking me of that, but no more so than in 2013. Not only has He decided that He's going to break me of this pride, but He's said, "Kimi, I know you have strengths, but I'm not going to use you for your strengths this year- I'm going to use you for your weaknesses, so that others can see 2 Corinthians 12:9 manifested." Not only has 2013 been a continuation of physical weakness after knee surgery, but the Lord has put me in situations where I've had no choice but to be weak, broken and vulnerable- emotionally, physically and spiritually- and no choice but to allow others to see it. I think I've cried more this year than I have in my entire life. But I've also begun to learn, as Gandalf the wizard puts it so well, "Not all tears are an evil." For in a place like Hawaii where trust is built agonizingly slowly and vulnerability is pretty much nonexistent, I've already begun to see that through sharing my vulnerability with students, they have begun to trust me more and open up. I used to think weakness was a horrible thing, but I'm learning that God not only can use my weaknesses, but sometimes He prefers it. I thought being on staff with Cru meant I had to have it all together, that I had to be strong and wise and knowledgable, but this year God's shown me that sometimes it means allowing others to see your weaknesses and allowing them to be a part of that, it means showing students that it's ok not to have it all together, because struggles are a part of life, and to be honest, we never really know what we're doing- and when we think we do, that's when we don't depend on God, and that's usually when we fall on our faces. But if we can acknowledge our weaknesses and rely on God's strength, we can never fail. For God is Able, and He will never fail.

"Even though I don't know what your plan is, I know You're making beauty from these ashes." ~ The Afters, Broken Hallelujah

So here's to 2014. To a year of weakness, a year of growth, a year of the Lord using me for His will and not my own. To a year of not just accepting weaknesses, but boasting and delighting in it. A year of not knowing plans... a year of beauty from ashes.

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