GRACE

i feel like i haven't been productive this week at all. yes it's only Tuesday afternoon. and yes i am STILL without a team and trying to just rebuild my ministry from last year by myself. but i hate feeling unproductive, and as i read newsletter after newsletter of other STINT friends and i see all the ministry things they are doing in their other countries, i start to judge myself. i start to think, "what am i doing?" and i start feeling guilty and lazy and soon enough Satan's amplified that into lies that i'm not a "good enough missionary" and i'm disappointing God. of course that's not true. it is by GRACE we have been saved (ephesians 2:8), not by works. God doesn't love me less because i watched the Rangers World Series game instead of watching an online sermon. (besides- God's a Rangers fan, right?) so why are we always beating ourselves up? i had an epiphany the other day and realized i try so hard to meet the end result, i focus so much on the the product, but then i'm just thinking of myself, of making myself better, not the relationship with God that leads to that end result. when i just think about my sanctification or improvement, i'm just thinking about myself and not just loving God. and if we just think about the end result, it's just about us, and we'll never truly understand God's love or our relationship with Him.

we talked about the prodigal son at church on Sunday. my pastor pointed out that the son had so many apologies prepared for his father, but his father wouldn't even let him say anything, because it didn't matter anymore. what mattered was that he came back. he came home. his father overwhelmed him with his love and wouldn't even let him apologize for his actions, but immediately called for celebration. and that's what God does for us. He doesn't need our apologies. His grace overwhelms everything we've done and everything we will do in the future.

this is a song we sang and reminded me what my relationship with God really is, entitled You Are My Father:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LplB6L3q3rY

the first verse says:
"It doesn't matter what i've done
Your love's for me
You wipe away my tears, You lift me when i fall
My life is saved by the mercy of Your grace..."

it's so true. and yet so easy to forget in this world of individualism and working hard and pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and proving to people that you are worthy. ESPECIALLY in Japan. if you think it's bad in America, Japan is 10x worse. your identity is COMPLETELY based on your works. and if you fail at all, you've dishonored your family. that's why there are over 100 suicides every day in Japan, why there is one suicide every 15 minutes in this broken country. because they are working so hard to achieve impossible goals and if they fail, they feel that their lives are worthless. because of the grace of God, we are NOT failures. we are new creations even on our worst day! even when we've done nothing to deserve it. on Saturday i went to homeless church and gave Tanaka-san (a little old lady who's been homeless over 30 years) a little present from America- some almond hand lotion b/c her hands are always so dry, some chocolate, a little silver "Cross in my Pocket", a card that said "God loves you"...nothing too fancy. but she almost refused to take it, exclaiming, "But i have done nothing to deserve this!" i wanted to yell in exasperation, "that's why it's a PRESENT!" then she forced me to take some chocolate and nori (dried seaweed). she never allows me to give her anything unless i take something in return. it's such a Japanese culture thing to not accept anything for free, to not accept a present unless you can give one in return. it's so aggravating and exasperating. but it hit me- how many times do i do that to God? i beat myself up because i feel unworthy of His love and i try to earn it by doing good things. it's like me telling God his grace isn't good enough to cover my sins and i still have to prove myself.

"All that trying to prove you are enough has already been proven." - John Lynch

this is a video i've posted before, but i watched it again today and, like every time i watch it, it made me cry. if you've got 30 minutes to spare, watch it. it changes your whole perspective of what grace and freedom is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7azfoonNqpc

may the Lord bless you and overwhelm you with His grace and freedom every day!

PS CoE update: still no CoEs. please please pray God provides them this week so my team can finally get here! but good news- my roommate Christina finally got her cast off her arm, so she's got two arms again! praise God for healing! and selfishly, i'm excited that i no longer have to do all the cleaning and laundry etc. by myself...