last Friday we learned my team's Certificates of Eligibility, required for Japan visas, were denied by the Japanese government. as soon as i heard "denied" on the conference call, tears just came streaming down my face. i really thought they would be accepted. i cried a lot that day. i cried 5 different times. i don't really cry much. ever. when i did gymnastics growing up, if you cried you got kicked out of the gym. i learned not to cry. but these past few months have been pretty trying, to say the least, and my tear ducts have been much more active as of late. but it was good. it was a release of all the tension and anxiety and everything these past 3 months have built up. at least we finally had an answer and could move forward.
but last weekend, i still wasn't sure what the future held for me. my directors both in the states and Japan discussed possibilities of staying in Japan and finishing my STINT year, but in the end they didn't really see a way that it could work. for one thing, i would have no place to live. i would have no team and it would be extremely difficult to do ministry by myself for the next 7 months. STINT is not designed to do alone. it's centered around the team. so to try and STINT without a team would not really be STINT at all. knowing all of that, i still told my leaders that if there was any way i could possibly stay in Japan, i would take it. but last Monday, December 12th, i received a call from one of my directors in the States that they had decided to send me to Hawaii for the rest of my STINT year. i can't say i was shocked, but it was still disappointing. and somewhat frightening, since they told me i had to leave Japan on January 15th. on the 15th i fly to Thailand for our Midyear Conference, where i'll meet my team and spend the week with them, then we fly to Hawaii on January 22nd. This gives me only one more month in Japan. i thought i had seven more months, so trying to cram all that into one month sent my brain into a chaotic frenzy of planning panic. unfortunately i had really no time to process that i was leaving, because as soon as i finished talking with my director i had to go to a goodbye party for one of the JCCC staff, then go to Samurai practice, where i shared with them that i was leaving. i definitely almost starting crying but i think i didn't because i was speaking in Japanese and so i had to concentrate more. the next day i spent all day on campus, and afterward went to Paddy and announced to THEM that i had to leave. once again, almost started crying but didn't. wednesday, thursday and friday my team was in LA briefing for Hawaii, so i had to skype into a lot of team meetings, while planning for our Student Impact Christmas party, going to Samurai practice and hanging out with my friend brandon who had come to visit Tokyo before going to the States for Christmas. because of the time difference, the team meetings were really tough for me- i had to stay up until 5 am for one meeting. the Christmas party ended up going incredibly well (even though i was one of the coordinators i seriously had no idea what was going on, who was doing what, or really anything....proves how insane these past few weeks have been for me- anyone who knows me knows that i always plan way too much- if i'm coordinating something, i have 5 different backup plans for everything...this is the first time i've been so unorganized and yet God still made it work. He's awesome like that). but the party still took all day/night and the next day was my roommate's birthday so we had a big party for her as well. yesterday i thought would be my processing day but that ended up not happening...
so here i am. over a week since i was told i had to leave Japan, and i'm still feeling as overwhelmed as i did last Monday. this time of year would be the busiest anyway because of Christmas, but to add the fact that i only have 4 more weeks in Japan just raises it to chaotic status. my mom reminded me that God wants me to enjoy my last month in Japan, but at the same time i do have to plan very carefully how i'll spend my time. after 14 months in Japan, i know about 500 people in Tokyo now...that's a lot of people to see in 4 weeks. i don't know how to prioritize people. there's also just a lot last things i'd like to do/need to do such as connecting the JCCC staff to all the students from last year, the summer projects and my own ministry this year. i have to sell 2 bicycles. i want to make presents for certain students/people i've met in Tokyo. plus cleaning my apartment and packing- packing things to ship to Texas (won't be needing winter stuff in Hawaii...), packing things to ship to Hawaii (can't take everything to Thailand) and of course packing for Thailand.
.....see? this is what my brain does. i don't know if it's because the emotions of leaving are too difficult so it's just resorting to planning mode or if that's just its way of processing, but all i can think about is the insane amount of things i have to get done.
i said in a previous post that leaving Japan would be the hardest thing i've ever done. i think it still will be, on more than one level. i'm really really sad to leave. i don't want to leave. i've made so many connections and i can see God working in this country. but i must trust God. i must trust that He wants us in Hawaii more than Japan right now. He doesn't need us here. He doesn't need us in Hawaii. but He chooses to use us.
there are things i'm excited about Hawaii. i mean, it IS Hawaii. there are worse places to be sent. but it's not so much as where i'm going, but what i'm leaving that makes it hard.
Jeremiah 29:11
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