Friday, January 2, 2015

Putting God First in the Midst of Storms

Written early June, 2014. Published January 2, 2015.

"Can a fearful heart still find courage, when there's no more faith to be found?" ~ Tim Be Told

2 weeks ago, I received an email from my mom informing me that my grandpa, who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's a few years ago, has severely declined health-wise over the past month.

That he only has about one more month to live. That Grampa is dying.

My brain immediately went into hyperdrive, and started trying to figure out what to do, how to get home to see him, how to fix him....and I broke down crying, because in that moment, I realized that there was absolutely nothing I could do to change the situation. To fix it. To fix him.

And I realized that I don't know how to be ok with not knowing what to do.
I don't even know what I'm doing anymore, and I don't know what to do to move forward.
And I don't know how to be ok with not being ok.
I don't know how to handle my own internal/personal crises when I'm supposed to be directing 12 students in a foreign country on a mission trip.
When my job is to care for others, I don't know how to care for myself.
How to deal, how to process, how to be there for my family while still being fully present and fully engaged and invested into my students, and a good director and leader.
I don't know how to balance not hiding my emotions, but not burdening anyone with them either.

I don't know how to go through crises I can't change. I like to think I have control, that I can do things that will fix situations or people...but it's times like this that I am reminded of just how small I really am in the grand scheme of things. It's as Gandalf says to Bilbo Baggins at the end of The Hobbit, after all his adventures and things he learned... "You don't really suppose, do you, that all your adventures and escapes were managed by mere luck, just for your sole benefit? You are a very fine person, Mr. Baggins, and I am very fond of you; but you are only quite a little fellow in a wide world after all!" To which Bilbo replies... "Thank goodness!"

If only I could respond like that so quickly. Unfortunately my initial response to everything is "What can I do/ what should I do/ how can I fix the situation?" instead of "How is God working in the midst of this?" or simply "God, help me," when I really just want to yell at Him and say "WHY??? Why now?!

God, help me to trust you in all this, in not just the light, but in the midst of storms. Help me to still put you first and keep my focus on you even when I cannot see the way out.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
                                  - Oceans, Hillsong United

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